It's A Lot Like Getting Drunk And Having Sex
by Lily Vendrem
Summary: Explosions galore and First Aid informing his mentor that his memory banks are defective. But not really. Ratchet spends Valentine's Day with the twins after dealing with the aftermath of Wheeljack's latest project. T to be safe. SunnyxRatchetxSides


Ratchet wiped absently at the berth Cliffjumper had just vacated, thinking. '_The one time Wheeljack decides to test his latest project in the designated area, half the slagging crew is there..._,' he thought ruefully, looking at the recharging mechs he was keeping for the rest of the day, and probably over-night, too, because of 'Jack's backfired invention. As his optics slid over the inventor himself, the ambulance sighed.

'Jack's injuries had been the worst, if only because the heat of the blast had all but melted him into a metallic statue. Thankfully, most of his vitals were undamaged and Swoop had been able to stabilize him so that he would last the trip to the repair bay. The after shocks from the blast caused various disasters that the CMO would rather not think about, and it had filled his med bay to the brim. From where he was standing, he checked the multitudes of machines that were keeping his patients stable, from Ironhide's energon drip to Tracks' replacement fuel pump.

"Maybe we're better off letting him blow up his lab," the medic muttered as he put away his cleaning supplies.

"What boss?" First Aid asked as he made his way out of the supply closet with a few parts he would be switching out on the unconscious Huffer.

"Nothing, 'Aid. I'm just talking out loud. Are we prepared for the coming of the unmaker?"

"Yessir. Although, with Wheeljack around, we don't have to worry about the unmaker coming," he murmured with a teasing lilt to his voice.

Ratchet snorted. "True, but I'd like to think that Wheeljack will stop making explosive things before we get blown back to Cybertron in a technicolor light show."

First Aid touched his arm sympathetically before scooping up some of the CMO's pending paperwork. "You should get some rest, boss. Swoop and I can handle this."

Ratchet ignored the desire to do as First Aid suggested; instead the white 'bot shook his head and was about to vocalize his disagreement when red arms draped themselves over his shoulders and he was pulled backwards.

"Yeah, Hatchet, when was the last time you got a decent recharge in your own quarters? Or at all, for that matter?," Sideswipe inquired in far-too-cheerful a voice for Ratchet's tastes.

"I'll recharge later, and if you aren't dying, get out of my med bay," he said sternly without turning.

"Aww, Ratch, you're crushin' my spark! I thought you loved me!," the red twin cried dramatically, clinging to him in mock despair.

"I'm not in the mood for your shenanigans. Go away," Ratchet grumped, pushing at Sideswipe's arms futilely.

"Ratchet…" First Aid gave the older 'bot an imploring look, although he knew the chances of Ratchet giving in were slim, and getting slimmer by the astrosecond.

"C'mon Ratchet, you'll hurt our feelings if you don't spend the day with us!"

That caught the mech's attention. "'Us'?," he echoed, leaving off his attempt to push Sideswipe off of him in favor of looking at the red twin.

"Me and Sunny! Don't you remember that you said you'd spend Valentine's Day with us?," the red mech said, going from mock hurt to something that could have been real hurt on any other 'bot.

Had he? Ratchet honestly couldn't remember, much less fathom the reason he would agree in the first place. Upon seeing his confused look, First Aid vented a sigh.

"You're definitely not getting enough recharge if you don't even remember the very, uh… extravagant manner in which the twins asked you to celebrate this human holiday with them," he said. Then, as an afterthought, he added, "It was just last week." The tone was accusatory, but he was more upset at his mentor's lack of self-care than anything.

Ratchet ran through the past couple of weeks, but came up startlingly empty. He slumped and gave 'Aid a pitiful look.

"Take the rest of the day off, boss," the younger ambulance said again. "We'll call you if something comes up that we can't handle, okay?" The protectobot gave him his best pleading look, and after a brief hesitation, Ratchet nodded. He handed the other mech the data pads he'd been holding and allowed Sideswipe to lead him out of the med bay.

At length, the warrior spoke. "You really should take better care of yourself, doc. Who's gonna put us back together if you work yourself into deactivation?"

"First Aid and Swoop," the ambulance replied immediately, forgoing reminding the younger 'bot just _who _usually had him working so much.

"Sure. They're great medics, after all, but they're not _you_. I'd take you working on my sorry aft than them any day."

Ratchet idly wondered if they ever thought about what _he_ wanted or thought, but didn't voice it. He didn't have the energy to bitch.

It was quiet for the next few minutes as Sideswipe lead them to wherever they were going, and before long they stepped into the twins' quarters where Sunstreaker was waiting for them, warm energon in hand. He passed one cube to Sideswipe before taking Ratchet's hand and leading him over to a table they had set up in one corner of the room. The other cube the Lamborghini had been holding was placed in front of him as he took the seat Sideswipe had pulled out for him, and then the twins took up seats at his sides, Sunny on his right and Sides on his left.

The gold Lamborghini leaned against Ratchet's shoulder after taking a gulp of his own cube and asked, "So what took you guys so long?"

With a laugh, Sideswipe laid his head on the shoulder opposite his twin. "Ratchet didn't wanna leave before he could lay the smack-down on 'Jack for causing mass destruction," he informed his other half.

Ratchet huffed and took a drink of the energon he'd been given. That one taste told him that it was one of the twin's personal brews, but it was mild, as far as the Lamborghini brand high-grade went. And sweet. _Primus_, it was sweet. He was tempted to ask what they'd put in it to make it that way, but decided he was probably better off not knowing.

Instead, he leaned back in his chair, inwardly pleased as it tilted for him to rest comfortably. The twins shifted accordingly, the red one only moving to lie over his chest plate while the gold one slipped down to rest on his abdomen. Careful not to spill it, he took another sip of his high-grade. Questions floated around in his processor, but the one that stood out the most was, _'Why would the twins want to spend this human holiday with a crabby old medic like me instead of, say, Bluestreak or Jazz?'_

He wasn't given long to wonder at their logic (or lack thereof), for Sideswipe decided to distract him by nuzzling his shoulder lightly.

"You still awake, doc?"

Ratchet realized that he had, at some point, off-lined his optics, but made no move to turn them back on. He nodded a bit, but stopped in favor of draining his cube.

"'M still awake. Could change at'ny moment though…," he murmured.

Sideswipe sat up and fumbled on the table for something while Sunsteaker looped an arm over the medic's stomach. "You shouldn't work so hard, Hatchet," he informed him without looking up.

"So I've been told," Ratchet replied wryly, giving up his empty cube and accepting the new one that was set in his hand. Deciding he was willing to waste the energy to ask, he continued. "So who should I be thanking for the extended time I'm spending with the two of you?"

The reply was immediate and surprising. "Optimus Prime."

"Prime?" the white 'bot asked incredulously.

"Yep. He doesn't know it though. He just said that you needed some time away from the med bay. We took it upon ourselves to do just that, and show you a good time while we were at it," Sideswipe replied smugly.

"Humm…" Ratchet mulled over this information, free hand stroking Sunstreaker's back gently, eliciting a soft rumble of approval from the yellow mech.

Ratchet shifted more in his seat after a moment and laid his arm across Sunny's back contentedly, deciding that as long as the twins weren't causing hell for anyone, he didn't quite care what their reasoning was.

For some time after that, they relaxed in the quiet only disrupted by the soft hum of their systems and Sunstreaker's sporadic tapping on Ratchet's thigh. Eventually, though, Sideswipe tentatively wrapped an arm around the medic's waist and tilted his head to look up at the older 'bot.

"Hey Ratchet?"

The mech in question on-lined his optics and looked at the red twin. "What?"

Sideswipe looked decidedly nervous, which was a surprising thing in itself, as he asked the question that had been on his mind for a while. "Umm… You _are_ our Valentine… Right?"

With a shrug, Ratchet replied, "I guess so," before he set his energon down and wrapped an arm around the red twin's shoulders. Sunstreaker sat up and looked at him after he said that with an indescribable look. After a moment's internal pondering, he leaned forward and pressed his mouth components against the CMO's briefly.

Vaguely confused, Ratchet allowed the action but didn't return the gesture.

With a huff, Sunstreaker pulled back a bit. "You're supposed to kiss back," he informed the other 'bot in a miffed tone.

Confusion now visibly evident, the white 'bot tilted his head to the side. "I am?" His inquiry was more out of something to say than actually understanding what he was replying to, as he was not sure what exactly 'kissing' entailed.

The other nodded as though this should be obvious. "Yes. It's this thing humans do when they care about one another specially."

"Oh? That's a strange thing to do, connecting mouth components…" Ratchet trailed off contemplatively.

The golden Lamborghini gave him an irritated glare. "So are you going to kiss me back or what?"

The ambulance shrugged. "Sure, fine. Don't throw a fit if I do it wrong though."

If they had the capability to do so, Sunsteaker would have rolled his optics, but since they didn't, he just huffed again before repeating his previous actions.

It took a couple of tries, but Ratchet eventually got a grasp of the concept and although he found the practice to be a bit weird, the CMO decided that it was rather pleasant all the same.

He was just getting into it when Sideswipe cut through the silence with an exasperated whine. "Sunny! You can't keep him all for yourself, he's my Valentine too!"

"Wait your turn," the golden one retorted but was cut off by a soft pet to one of his neck cables while Ratchet pulled the red Lamborghini close and captured his mouth in a gentle, lazy kiss.

"Aww, Ratchet…," Sunstreaker whined in a tone similar to the one his brother had used as he nudged his way between Ratchet's shoulder and neck to nip at the tender cables beneath his audio.

The medic shivered and sighed in response and re-tightened his grip on both twins, working his fingers under the most convenient plate of armor to stroke at the wiring hidden beneath to return the sensations they were evoking in him, although he knew the slight boost he'd gotten from the high-grade wouldn't last an encounter with the twins. Recharge sounded good, but so did overload, especially with the way Sunny was petting his windshield while Sideswipe fiddled with a cable in his back and –

"Oooh…!" Ratchet groaned, vision flickering briefly as Sideswipe caressed an energon line in his side.

The red twin pulled back with a wicked grin, but didn't stop stroking the line. "Good?"

"Mmm…," the medic hummed before he was caught in another hungry kiss from Sunstreaker.

"We should move to the berth if we're going to continue this," the lambo murmured against Ratchet's cheek a moment later as he rubbed the seams of the older 'bot's windshield.

Ratchet shivered at the unusually gentle touch from the gold twin and shifted up in his seat despite the inclination to let the twins do what they would with him. He ignored the growing need in both himself and the spiking fields of his would-be lovers to inform them of his previous thoughts. "I don't have enough energy to keep up with the two of you," he stated matter-of-factly, but didn't get any further as Sides pushed a fresh cube into his hand and motioned for him to drink. It didn't even cross his processor to wonder why they wanted to interface with him as he downed the cube's contents and followed it with a second.

The fuzzy feeling he got from the high-grade was pleasant, and the light nips and kisses 'Streaker was lavishing his neck cables with were even better. Before long, Ratchet was being led to the berth and laid between the twins, hands eagerly roaming plates and kisses being exchanged.

He didn't think of the med bay and its occupants, he didn't think of the percussions this interlude could bring, and he didn't think of the fact that he was probably going to hate himself later because of the high-grade. In fact, he didn't think of much at all beyond the fast approaching overload and the recharge that would follow; he was too preoccupied with touching his lovers in all the right places in the race to see who would overload first.

* * *

When Ratchet was next aware, his internal chronometer read 2:43 a.m., Earth time and the twin's quarters were dark. The twins themselves were pressed on either side of himself, deep in recharge. He smiled softly and snuggled into Sunstreaker's chest plates with a sound of contentment.

"Happy Valentine's, crazy glitch-mice…" he murmured to the offline mechs before succumbing to recharge again himself.

In the dark, two sets of blue optics powered up. Sideswipe sat up the slightest bit to look up at his brother. "So, Sunny, you think he'll still like us in the morning?"

"He better, because Prowl's going to hate us," the gold twin replied, optics dimming to a dark blue.

Sideswipe nodded and off-lined his optics again, snuggling against he medic's back. "Yeah." A moment of silence, and then he continued, "Next year, we need to have a bigger berth."

A half conscious snort replied to this. "Mmhmm. We'll work on it."

"Happy Valentine's, bro," the red 'bot said brightly before powering down for the remainder of the night.

Sunstreaker just tangled their hands together and made a grumbling sound before he also off-lined his optics and followed his lovers into recharge.

* * *

Ending Note: Yeah, it was meant to be done by Valentine's Day. No dice.First thing I've finished and posted in nearly two years, so constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. 

Happy (late) Valentine's Day, everyone!


End file.
